Harry Potter and the Chain Letter From Hell!
by Bishoujo Lil
Summary: Resubmitted cos it got messed up when uploading. A fic inspired by a text. Harry receives a chain letter, craziness ensues. Better than it sounds :)
1. One morning

HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAIN LETTER FROM HELL

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters; they are the property of J.K Rowling's brilliant mind!  Don't sue me I am actually a vagrant.

Yes indeed.  A crazy concept brought forth by my ever-thinking, crazy friend Charlotte.  It all ensued because of a text I received from a mutual friend Lindy (her real name is Lisa).  It was a chain text!  ARGH!  The horror… THE HORROR!  Well, I sent this text to Charlotte and she reciprocated with this Harry Potter fic concept.  Crazy ne?  Anyways, on with the aforementioned craziness!

This rated R due to foul language and pre-exam-induced-stress related insanity. (Wow, nearly as many hyphens as Voldemort in his He-Who-Must-Not-be-named guise.)  Of course it will be taking place in his 7th year at the school, 'cos all authors prefer writing the characters as older people, because said authors are usually pretty old themselves (I myself am in my last year of school, which means, yes, dreaded A2 levels (I am English… dum, dum, dum! that was dramatic music by the way).

The story:

Harry opened one eye and looked around the surroundings.  He heaved a great sigh of relief.  He was, in fact, in bed, in his dorm, at his school, Hogwarts.  He was not, as he had been lead to believe, in a large of vat of what appeared to be brill cream, with some form of crazy toad, Malfoy, Snape and Dudley.  

"Accursed dreams," he muttered whilst shaking his fist in a 'why you…' sort of manner, otherwise described as, angrily.  It had been the worst dream ever, except for the crazy toad, it had been cool… but he couldn't remember why.  He sat up and groped for his glasses.  He slipped them on and yawned as he pulled the drapes aside and placed his feet on the floor.  He immediately retracted them when he realised the floor had been turned into an ice skating rink on the quiet.  (The author points out that this was not actually true, it was merely an exaggeration, and apologises to anyone who thought otherwise)  Loud snores emanated from Ron's bed.  The pictures rattled on the walls and a glass was shaken off Harry's bedside table and it shattered as it hit the floor.  Harry sighed again and grabbed his wand from the bedside table.

"Reparo," he said as he waved his wand vaguely in the direction of the broken glass.  The repaired glass was then summoned to him and he placed it back in its original spot, which was conveniently marked by a water ring.  Ron's snoring was getting ridiculous, he noted as he peered under his bed looking for some form of slippers.  He found lint.  His eye twitched as he pulled himself up and rummaged in his sock drawer.  He selected a particularly thick, brown, woollen pair and slipped them on. The author realises she is getting sidetracked by the wonders of socks and moves on Harry wandered to the bathroom; he emerged a few minutes later, fully relieved. The author notes how in no other HP stories, including the actual books, do any of the characters go to the bathroom… cast iron bladders anyone? 

Harry praised whatever gods there were for the fact that it was the weekend, so he dressed in his casual clothes (a blue sweater and black jeans).  It was 11.30 a.m., very early to be up on a Saturday morning.  Harry observed that the older that you got, the longer you wanted to lie in bed and do, well let's face it, fuck all.  He figured, since he was up, he may as well get some breakfast.

As he entered the great hall he noticed that it was, surprisingly enough, devoid of 7th year, and in Harry's opinion, therefore human, life.  There were 1st years everywhere doing, god knows what.  There were 2nd years, who were so obviously planning the demise of the 1st years that Harry expected them to all burst into peals of manic evil laughter.  He chuckled to himself.  There were smatterings of others, but definitely no 7th years.  For possibly the millionth time in the 20 minutes he'd been awake, he sighed.

"EEP!" he squeaked as a hand was laid upon his shoulder.  He jumped a foot in the air.  He turned around to give the owner of said hand a potent death glare and possibly a small curse, but settled for a cluck of his tongue and a shake of his head when the owner of the aforementioned hand turned out to be Hermione.

"You scared me Herm," he said as he yawned.  She chuckled lightly.

"Well done for pointing out the obvious."

"Breakfast?"

"Love some."

And with that short exchange over, they sat down at the Gryffindor table and munched on cold, stale toast.

"This was worth getting up for," Harry said as he banged his toast on the table's edge and then frisbeed it across the room.  It hit an unsuspecting Hufflepuff 1st year in the head and went down.  Harry and Hermione cringed and turned the other way.  Hermione voiced her agreement and pointed out the usefulness of this toast as some form of building material.  Harry sniggered.

"So how's being Head Girl working out for you?" Harry asked her as he began to stack the remaining toast jenga style.  Hermione sighed.

"It's all good.  The only blemish on my otherwise blemish-free landscape is the fact that Malfoy is Head Boy, and I have to share a common room with someone who is obviously planning my painfully slow termination."  The author would like to interject by saying: don't tell me you didn't see the Malfoy being Head Boy thing coming… for I will point and proclaim that you, sir, are a liar! 

"Who would have thought he had any brains… I mean have you seen his choice of hairstyle?" she said, pondering the wonders of Malfoy-style slicked-back blondness.  Harry raised an eyebrow.

"He must be a bottle-blond..." Hermione thought out loud.  Harry raised his other eyebrow.

"Erm… yeah… so, shall we go and rudely awaken Ron with this exceptionally dangerous toast?" Harry suggested.  He did not want to discuss the finer points of Malfoy's hair at noon on a Saturday.

"Is he still snoring?" Hermione asked as they made their way to the Gryffindor common room.

"I don't think snoring covers it anymore," Harry said dryly as they approached the portrait of the fat lady.

"Schnitzel," Harry said.  Hermione raised an eyebrow.

"Bless you," the painting replied as the portrait swung wide revealing the common room.

"Don't ask me why," Harry said, as he saw Hermione opening her mouth to comment on the interesting choice of password.  She shut her mouth and grinned.  As they began their ascent of the stairs a loud rumble shook the frame.  They clung on for dear life till the rumbling stopped.

"You've got to be shitting me!" Hermione exclaimed.  Harry shook his head sombrely.

"Harry you fucking moron," Hermione roared over the next snore, "he's obviously had some sort of charm put over him, that isn't normal!"  Harry's face went blank as he contemplated this.  He then made a face of comprehensions and grinned at Hermione who just glowered.  They managed to scramble onto the landing and stand up.  Another snore rocked the ground and Hermione went flying into the door as Harry fell backwards onto his arse.  Harry stood up and watched Hermione slide down the door and crumple on the floor.

"Ow…" she groaned as Harry hoisted her up.  They entered the bedroom tentatively and advanced a few steps.  A shuddering snore threw them back against the wall with great force.  

"Harry cover his face with a pillow," Hermione instructed.  Harry grabbed a nearby pillow and leapt on top of Ron.  He placed the pillow over the red head's face and gave Hermione a thumbs up sign.  Hermione moved forward and got out her wand.

"Reverso," She said with a flick of her wrist.  Harry removed the pillow, and they both waited for a reaction.  Ron snored again, and Harry threw his arms over his face in defence.  He was not, however, transported across the room with the force like being charged by a rhino.  He parted his arms and looked at Hermione.  She merely grinned.  Harry shrugged and pulled 2 pieces of toast out of his jeans pockets.  He then gave Hermione a barbaric grin and pelted them simultaneously at Ron's head.  Ron jolted awake with a start, a yell, and an exclamation of: "No more goat's soup!"

Harry and Hermione exchanged a look before returning their attention to Ron.  Ron looked a little hacked off as he looked at his 2 best friends.  He then noticed that Harry was sat astride him.

"Do you always do this when I'm asleep?" he asked with a raised eyebrow and a yawn.

"Some, not a lot," Harry retorted with a grin.  Ron sniggered.

"Would you mind getting off me," he stated, "I'm dying for a piss."  Harry got off and Ron trotted to the bathroom.

"Boys," Hermione stated.

"Why'd you say that?" Harry asked as he perched on the edge of the bed.

"I hadn't said anything in a while, and I'm usually derisive and snooty, so I thought I should comment," she answered simply with a shrug.  Harry accepted this comment as an early morning thing, even though it was 12:30 in the afternoon.  Ron returned moments later.

"12:30!" he wailed, "So early!"

Hermione huffed, "Did you know someone had put a charm on you Ron?"

Harry looked at her funny, "He was asleep Hermione," Harry pointed out.  Hermione coughed and looked around at the walls.

"What charm?" Ron asked as he took off his pants.  Hermione squeaked and spun around to face the wall.

"Oops, sorry Herm," Ron said going pink around the ears.  He hurriedly found a pair of pants and a top to wear.

"It's alright now Hermione, the scary underwear has gone," Harry mocked.  Hermione turned around and glared at him, but there was still a flush of pink on her cheeks.

"What charm?" Ron asked again.

"It was some sort of sonorous charm," Hermione said, glancing at him, "except, that it had power behind it."

"Meaning…" Ron asked looking between his friends.

"Meaning that when you snored you were knocking things over and basically shaking stuff up," Harry pointed out.

"Like an earthquake," Hermione pointed out.

"Or a fuck-off dinosaur," Harry said excitedly.

"Or a large land mammal!"

"Or a…"

"I get it!" Ron yelled above their voices.

"Who though?" Ron wondered.  They all went quiet for a moment.

"What the fuck were you chucking at my head anyway?" Ron asked rubbing a rapidly forming lump on his forehead.  Harry smiled broadly and brought a piece of toast out from another pocket.

"Destructo-toast!" Harry yelled.  Ron took it from him and smacked it on the bedside table.  A small chunk of bedside table fell off.  Ron's eyes lit up.

"Let's go and chuck some at Malfoy!"  At this statement Harry's eyes lit up.  They both turned to Hermione who had been unconcernedly checking her nails.  She looked up.

"What?" It then dawned on her what they wanted her to do, "Oh no," she said as they backed her up against a wall, "I won't do it."

"Oh come on Herm, take that stick out of your arse and live a little!" Ron exclaimed.  Hermione looked indignant.  Her expression softened a little as both Harry and Ron looked at her with pleading expressions.  Her resolve dissolved in the face of their puppy dog eyes.  She looked from one to the other and laughed.

"Alright!  Just stop looking at me like you're an injured puppy or something!"

Ron and Harry cheered and high-fived, then they spirited her away, out of Gryffindor tower.

Next chapter – Harry, Hermione and Ron enter the Head Girl and Boy's common room in search of Malfoy, but find… well you'll have to wait and find out!  Read and Review please, and I'll love you in more ways than you could know ^_^

Luvies Lucas xxx


	2. Rooms, bras and Malfoy

HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAIN LETTER FROM HELL

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters; they are the property of J.K Rowling's brilliant mind!  Don't sue me I am actually a vagrant.

Chapter 2 –the discovery!

Hermione led her 2 friends down a complicated series of passageways, over several sets of stairs, and then some.  Eventually they came to a portrait of an attractive young girl in a pink dress.  She giggled and waved at Ron, who went pink.

"Pack it in blondie," Hermione growled at the portrait.

"Go on then," Harry said, slightly amused, "say the password, let us in."

Harry Ron and the portrait all looked at Hermione expectantly.  Hermione looked pained.  She blushed profusely before just about whispering, "Blow me."

Harry gasped.  Ron fell over.  The portrait opened.  Harry dragged Ron through the portrait and Hermione followed after.  Ron was sat on one of the big white sofas looking pale.  Harry sat next to him and looked around.  It was nice.  It was a big room of a neutral magnolia colour.  There was a large fireplace where the 2 big, white, squashy sofas were situated close by.

"Blow me?" Ron cracked hoarsely, "BLOW ME!?"

"Yeah, I was wondering about that," Harry said, turning to look at Hermione.  She blushed further.

"It wasn't me fuck-wits!" she shouted.  Harry and Ron continued to look at her expectantly.

"Malfoy reached the portrait before I did," she explained as she sat down on the couch opposite.  Harry and Ron nodded in male comprehension.  Hermione looked disgusted.

"Now I've recovered, let's go and smash Malfoy's head in with the toast-that-should-not-be-eaten," Ron said with a barbaric grin.  They all got up and walked towards the 2 doors on the far wall.

"Is this Malfoy's room?" Harry asked, pointing to one door.

"You need stronger glasses," Hermione said, "That door has an engraving of a lion on it."  Harry squinted at the door.

"Oh yeah…" he said lamely.  Ron, who hadn't actually been listening, but had been watching the progression of an interesting piece of fluff as it floated through the air, snapped back to reality.

"So, this door then…" Ron said vaguely as he pushed past Harry and barged into the room.

"No Ron!" Hermione yelled, but Ron had already entered, "That's my room!"  Ron had stopped dead a few metres into the room.  It was a mess.  Books, parchment and quills littered the floor and desk.  There were clothes strewn all over the bed, but this was not really what had stopped Ron from advancing further into the room.  Harry looked over Ron's shoulder and Hermione cringed in the background.  There was one drawer fully open and various arrays of underwear were spilling out onto the floor.  Hermione ran past Ron, tried to close the drawer, failed, let out a moan, grabbed a particularly bright pink bra and ran out again.  Ron's face was a painful purple colour, Hermione had pulled her tank top over her face and Harry was very red in the cheeks.  Harry grabbed Ron by the shoulders and pulled him out of the room.  Hermione had lain down on the floor and covered her face with her hands and the bra.  Harry chuckled at her as he positioned Ron against a wall and knelt down next to her.

"Herm…" he said, amused.  She parted her fingers and looked at him.

"I just haven't had time to clear up," she said weakly.  Harry laughed as he took her hands and pulled her to her feet.  Ron had slid down the wall and had his head between his knees.

"Come on Ron," Harry said cheerfully, "attacking Malfoy will help you recover."  Ron looked up at him and gave him a weak smile.

"I just hope Malfoy's underwear isn't all on display," Ron said as he stood up.  Hermione blushed, but quickly covered it with a scowl. 

"Fuck you Ron… fuck you!"  she said.  She only half meant it and couldn't hide a small smile as she moved to Malfoy's door and opened it.  She wandered in, closely followed by her 2 male friends.  They looked around at the green and silver surroundings.

"Red and gold are so much more attractive," Hermione commented as she gave the room a disapproving look.  Harry had crept close to the bed and glanced in.

"He isn't here," he stated gloomily.  Ron's face fell.  Hermione wandered over to the desk.  A few books, some quills and ink, a poster book of half-naked women…

"Yuck!" she exclaimed, pulling a face as she picked it up gingerly.  There was a small piece of parchment nestled beneath.  She picked that up too, it looked like a letter.  She read it quietly to herself.

"I have sent the weapon recently, it will arrive in a few days.  Be prepared."

She frowned down at it.

"You guys come here," she said urgently.  They quickly hurried over to her and looked over her shoulders. 

"Read this," she said.  Ron and Harry exchanged a look.

"You want us to read 'Super Sexy Witch Babes'?"  Harry asked, looking at the magazine in her hand.

"If that's what the lady wants," Ron said eagerly, taking the magazine.

Hermione gave Ron a sour look, "You, are a fucking moron sometimes."

Ron shrugged as she snatched the magazine back and threw it a few feet away.  She brandished the piece of parchment and Harry took it.  He read it then gave it to Ron.  He stared at Hermione hard.

"Wonder who Malfoy's sending that to?" Ron said apprehensively.

"How do we know he is sending it?" Hermione pointed out sensibly, "He could have received it."

"Well whatever the situation is," Harry said, frowning, "Malfoy's…"

"Malfoy's what?" a voice questioned.  All three of them jumped guiltily as Ron hid his hands behind his back, concealing the letter.  They turned to the door.  Malfoy was leaning against the doorframe with a raised eyebrow.

"Erm…" Harry began.

"Ah…" Ron added.

"Geh…" Hermione finished.

"Fascinating," Malfoy drawled.

"We were just…looking for something." Hermione said.

"And why would you be doing that in my room?" he asked, his eyes passing over them.  They lingered on Hermione and she swallowed with great difficulty.  She looked desperately at Harry.  Ron was attempting to stuff the parchment into his back pocket.

"I was looking for… my bra!" she screeched.

'Why did I say that?' she thought to herself as she watched Malfoy's eyes widen.

"In my room?" he asked incredulously.  Hermione faked a laugh.

"No... Ron and Harry just came in here to check because… er… I couldn't, em, find it anywhere, and you are a bit of a pervert." She clapped her hand over her mouth in shock as Malfoy raised an eyebrow and chuckled.  Ron and Harry stood there gawping at her in disbelief.  She gave them a hapless look.

"Well, erm, they were looking in here when I found it… er… down the side of the sofa, so… I… came in here to tell them I'd found it," she finished as she waved the pink bra at him as evidence.  She stared at Malfoy, willing him to believe her.  He closed his eyes and chuckled again.

"Well, now you've found it, would you mind getting out of my room?"

Harry and Ron scrambled past Hermione, past Malfoy and out into the common room.  Hermione attempted to walk sedately past Malfoy, but ended up tripping, affording him a decent view of her knickers.  She blushed violently as Malfoy caught her arm.

'Note to self,' she thought as she glared at the floor, 'never wear a short skirt and these strappy efforts of shoes… ever…'

"Careful Granger, you could hurt yourself," he said as she glanced at him, "And nice knickers."

'Second note to self,' she thought as she blushed even more, 'never wear orange knickers… ever.'

"Geh beh ah erm," she said as she stood up.

"Very articulate," Malfoy said with a cold smirk.  Hermione slid into the common room.

The 3 Gryffindors let out a collective sigh of relief.  They had got away with it.  Malfoy swept past them and sat on one of the sofas.

'Damn he sweeps good,' Hermione thought involuntarily.  She was startled by that train of thought and shook her head to remove it.  Malfoy glared at them from the couch.

"So, Malfoy's what?" Malfoy asked.

"What?" all 3 asked in unison, confused.

"When I found you intruding in my room, Potter was saying, 'Malfoy's… something', but I interrupted," Malfoy said smoothly.  The Gryffindors exchanged glances, "very rude of me, I do apologise," he said, sounding anything but apologetic, "So do finish, Malfoy's what?"

Harry looked at Ron who shrugged helplessly.  He looked to Hermione who was opening and closing her mouth like a distressed goldfish.  He returned to Malfoy's unrelenting gaze, then a thought hit him with so much force that he rocked backwards a little.

"Pervert!" he yelled out.  Ron nearly fell over from the shock, Hermione looked at him like he'd sprouted another head, with fur, and a horns, and slime, all in one.  Malfoy raised his eyebrows.

"Yeah!  We were saying you were a pervert!" he elaborated, giving Hermione an encouraging look.  Her eyes lit up.

"Because of the magazine!" she said with sudden comprehension, looking at Harry in triumph.

"Magazine?" Malfoy asked, confused.

"The 'Super Sexy Witch Babes' one," Harry commented.  Ron slapped himself on the forehead and made 'of course' sorts of noises until Hermione dug him none to gently in the ribs with her elbow.  Malfoy's cheeks were a little pink.

"It's not really that perv-y," Malfoy said offhandedly.  Hermione's jaw dropped.

"Are you kidding me!?" she screeched.  Everyone winced.

"Have you seen the girls in Slytherin house?" he roared, jumping up and facing her.  Hermione's look of fury, changed to one of bewilderment, then amusement.

"Oh," she snorted with repressed laughter.  Malfoy couldn't stop the small laugh that escaped from him, which set Hermione off.

'Damn, she's cute when she laughs' Malfoy thought to himself.  He was shocked to discover that he did actually find the Gryffindor girl exceptionally attractive.  He looked at her incredulously for a while and then laughed along with her.  Ron and Harry stared at the 2, then stared at each other then shook their heads in disbelief and embarrassment for Hermione. They eventually stopped.  Hermione had tears streaming down her face, and Malfoy had had to sit down because he was laughing so hard.

"Fuck me!" he said giggling.  Hermione grinned.  

"Well let's go Hermione before you and Draco laugh about something completely unfunny for another 10 minutes," Ron snarled as he made his way to the portrait hole.  Harry followed with a shrug and a bemused look at Hermione.  Hermione nodded her agreement and turned to leave.

"Hey Granger," Malfoy said.  Hermione stopped and looked at him over her shoulder.

"Would you be willing to pose for me in those very fetching orange knickers and possibly that pink bra your holding?" Hermione just looked shocked as her mouth dropped open.

"It's just that I've looked at all those pictures in that magazine millions of times and I need some fresh meat."  Hermione went red with embarrassment and anger.  Ron was looking none to pleased, and Harry looked like he'd been hit with a wet fish.

"Bite.  My.  Arse!" Hermione bit out as she growled at Malfoy.  He merely grinned at her.

"Maybe later," he said glancing at his watch, "I don't really have the time now."  Hermione snarled something incoherent and hurled the pink bra at him.  He caught it and waved.  Ron looked like he was going to explode.  He grabbed a piece of toast from out of his pocket and lobbed it at Malfoy's head.  It hit him on the temple.

"God damn it Weasley!  That was like brick!" he yelled as he clutched his injured head.  Ron merely smirked evilly as Hermione stomped her way to the portrait hole and shoved Harry and Ron through.

"I swear, I will nail that little bastard one day!" she yelled as she punched a wall.  Ron and Harry exchanged another look.  They each gently grabbed one of Hermione's elbows and lifted her slightly off the ground.

"Come on Herm," Ron said soothingly, "let's go to the great hall."

"Yeah," Harry agreed as they began to walk, "it'll be nice and calm, nice and calm."  Hermione continued to growl as they escorted her down the stairs.

The end.  Hope you enjoyed it!  In the next chapter, someone receives something that changes everybody's lives!  Yes read the next chapter to find out exactly what the crazy girl is warbling on about.

Thanks to my 3 reviewers, you are gods/goddesses:

Delie, Alseides and One Innocent Angel.  I love you all, more than you could ever know…

Read and REVIEW!

Luvies, Lucas xxx


	3. It begins

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters; they are the property of J.K Rowling's brilliant mind! Don't sue me I am actually a vagrant.

Chapter 3 – It Begins!

Harry and Ron sat Hermione down on the bench at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall and then sat either side of her.  She was still growling and was also muttering to herself a little.  Only "Malfoy" and "revenge fantasies" could clearly be distinguished from her babble.

Having nothing better to do, and with their only other option being to listen to Hermione ramble on, Harry and Ron resorted to talking about Quidditch.

As it was the weekend, mail arrived later than usual, due to the copious lack of students at early school waking hours.  Harry and Ron had been chatting away for fifteen minutes when they heard the soft rustle of wings from overhead.  They looked up to see all the owls fly into the great hall and circle the eating population (as it was lunch time).  Students looked up in anticipation at the amassed set of wings, hoping to not be caught out by falling parcel.  Ron scanned the ceiling for a short while and then returned to scanning the table for something suitable to snack on.  Harry hadn't bothered to look up; he had no one around to send him mail.  He allowed his thoughts to stray to Sirius for a small while before returning to the present.

"Errol not there?" Harry asked as he picked up a sorry looking roast potato and popped it into his mouth.

"Do you see a disoriented flapping menace up there?" Ron questioned.  Harry looked up and scanned the owls for himself.  Being a seeker he could usually spot things that others could not, but this time his seeker skill was no use, as Errol clearly was not there.

"Nope, no feathered danger up there."

Hermione, who had been resting her head on the table whilst muttering to herself, chose this moment to sit up straight.  Just as her head had risen, a large screech owl detached itself from the group and swooped down.  Harry watched the owls dissent before realising its trajectory.

He sucked in his breath sharply, "Hermione, duck!" he yelled before retreating his own head to a lower altitude.  Hermione looked at him a little shocked before the owl collided with her face.

"Urk!" she exclaimed as she was knocked backwards into Ron.  Ron, who was unprepared for this sudden impact, was shoved along the bench a little way until he slid to a stop, with Hermione's head in this lap.  The owl was lying over Hermione's chest, looking a little bit dazed from the impact.  Harry stopped cowering and sat up straight once again.  Hermione was practically unconscious due to the impact, and Ron had gone a little red in the face.  Harry suspected the presence of Hermione's head on his crotch was a little too much.  Malfoy chose this moment to come striding into the Great Hall.  He stopped short when he saw that everyone was looking like the mother of all incidents had happened.  He followed their gazes over to the Gryffindor table and rolled his eyes.  He worked out what the likelihood that Potter and his cronies were involved; almost definite.  He wandered over to take in the spectacle.  Potter was staring at something.  He was staring at an owl that was lay across the chest of an unconscious Granger whose head was in the lap of a very flustered Weasley.  He was going to come out with a crushing retort, but thought the better of it, he did, after all, have to share a common room with Granger, and he didn't much fancy having to worry about when and where she was going to hex him into oblivion.  Also, with someone like Granger, she would come up with a ridiculously complicated and highly embarrassing arse-kicker of a curse.  He let the situation go and made his way over to the Slytherin table.

Harry picked the owl up off of Hermione and laid it on the table.  Hermione was coming round slowly but surely.  She opened her eyes and looked up to see the red face of Ron looking at the ceiling.  She realised where she must be lying and shot upright, emitting a small squeak.

"Did anyone get the number of that feathered bus?" Hermione asked as she rubbed a hand across her face.

"Even better," Harry said with a grin, "I've got the feathered bus right here."

Hermione looked at her feathered attacker with great distaste before poking it in the side.

"They don't usually fly so low," she sniffed.

"That's not what's important now, there's something attached to its leg," Ron said quickly, regaining his composure.

Harry unattached the letter from the owl's leg and Hermione gave the owl a sharp shove that sent it flying off the edge of the table.

"It's addressed to me," Harry said as he looked at the front of the letter.

"Dun, dun, dun," Ron said sarcastically as he rolled his eyes (that was meant to be dramatic music imitation by the way).

Harry shook his head at him and opened the letter.

"Shall I read it out?" Harry asked his friends.

"Yeah, why not, we're curious," Hermione said as she rubbed her sore face again.

"Dear Harry Potter, this is a chain letter!" Harry read.  At this point there was a burst of dramatic music.  The three looked around curiously for the source.  Ron shrugged and Harry returned to the letter.

"You must send this letter to at least 100 people.  If you break the chain… you will be cursed!"

Another blast of dramatic mood music came forth.

"Where's it coming from?" Ron asked incredulously as he looked underneath the table.  Harry shrugged and continued.

"Yours sincerely, someone of great and unending evil."

"Interesting," Hermione said musingly.

"What on God's green earth is a chain letter?" Ron asked as he took the letter from Harry and looked it over for himself.

"A chain letter is a stupid excuse for some moron to be an annoying twat without the risk of being beaten to death by anyone," Hermione spat as she glowered at the offending note.  At Ron's blank expression she growled in frustration, "It's a muggle thing Ron, there's thousands of these notes in the muggle world."

"Yeah," Harry said, "except that in the muggle world they usually tell you how you'll be cursed, you know, like unlucky in love and that sort of thing."

As he said this black, spidery lines began to scrawl along the bottom of the letter.  Ron yelped in surprise and dropped the letter to the ground.  The spidery lines began to form words and Hermione picked it up so that she could read what they said.

"P.S the curse will have various forms, but you could say it will be like you are jinxed, unwavering bad luck!" The dramatic music sounded again, making all three jump, as well as several other inhabitants of the table.

"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha…" Hermione read, "and it goes on like that till the bottom of the page."

"What a load of bullshit, cursed my arse," Harry said as he sneered.  He picked up the letter and put it into his pocket.

"Why are you keeping it then?" Hermione asked.

"So I can find out who sent it me, and curse that person into oblivion."

Harry stood up and stretched.  There was a strangled squawk from the opposite side of the table and the very disgruntled screech owl rose into the air and flew straight into Harry's face.

"Eep!" Harry managed to get out before he fell backwards over the bench and smashed the back of his head into the stone floor.  He was knocked unconscious and the owl landed on his chest and began to peck at his face.

Ron and Hermione stared at the owl for a short while.

"Looks like the curse has begun," Ron said to Hermione.  Some very muffled dramatic music could be heard.

"Ah, so it was coming from the letter," Hermione said with a smile.

Ah, so the chain letter has arrived.  Finally, some semblance of a plot!  Hope it was enjoyed and please read and review, I'll love you if you do ^_^

To my reviewers, you are gods/goddesses.

Luvies, Lucas xxx


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